The Humiliating Post (graphic content)

Dory has, just today, learned to 'tickle her "body" '. Or at least she is just now sharing this with me. Oh, the joys.
('Body' is her very own made up euphemism. We have tried using real terms, she's not taking to them.)

I was just about to put Jack down for a nap and I look over at her as she plops down in the chair and proceeds to tell me, "Sometimes, I move my panties, like this, and let the air in to tickle my body... sometimes I do this (spreading herself out some more)..."

Oh. dear. Lord!!!!

HOW, oh HOW, do I handle this one? Better be quick. I was awesome when she asked about penises, why Daddy and Jack both have ones and she and mommy do not. I did really well explaining how babies are born and in general how they are made. I have sown her with a mirror her parts and explained why we have to work to keep them clean so it doesn't get infected and hurt. But this? Right now? Isn't there some rule about being given a warning? There should be. (Yes, I know. Stop laughing at me. I know the age is right... don't rub it in, I should have seen it coming.) I'm rethinking the whole open about sex and our bodies thing right this split second... Wow. I know I did it to my mom, I even remember some of it as one of those humiliating early memories... but that doesn't matter right now. How is the right way to deal with this? I don't want to tell her it's dirty and she should be ashamed, I don't want to set up sex as something bad... but I'm dying to jump up and start yelling stop!!! I don't want her to think it's appropriate anytime and anywhere either though. I don't want her chatting casually about her exploits as we walk down the aisle in a store... seriously... I think this is bad? Oh, the TRUE horror.

When I came to my senses, after a thankfully brief few seconds, I told her we do it in private. Not with other people around.

She asked if she could go to her room. Um... Unfortunately I had to put Jack down, (remember?) for a much needed nap. I told her not right now.

She asked me where she could go then... I told her she would just have to wait. Simple enough, huh? Whew! I made it through!

No. HA-HA! Silly Mommy!

Then she started in about the multiple ways to tickle one's self, counts her 4 fingers, and THEN asks if she can use Jack's dragon (from his castle book set - it's a soft plush). Um, no, you can't dear. "Why not?" she asks. "Um, because it will make it dirty, and it's not yours and you don't want to make it dirty. We don't do something like that." Gulp - is that a good enough answer? Geez! I feel like she's asking me for a Pure Romance Party already with that question...
_____________________________________

A few minutes after I get Jack down, John calls. He's just finished me all about the DMV trials (there's always something... the camera broke on the person before him) when I pull my trump saying, "Well, at least you aren't here learning about how Dory tickles her 'body'."

He says, "Oh, no... really?"

Yes my dear. Yes.

"Well, I gotta say, I think I would have handled that really well." (I'm thinking about the penis comment that took him off guard leaving him pale and stuttering...)

"Oh? What if she was showing you while she was telling you?"

"On second thought, I would have had a coronary, " he said. "Chest clutching 'Elizabeth I'm coming home'."

Yeah, that's about right.

____________________________________

But, oh, dear... what a day. I wonder if John will be coming home now... I think I scared him.

At least boys start yanking on day one. Less shock involved there.