YOU KNOW YOU ARE A CELIAC IF…
…you’ve ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
…you weep at picnics, parties, receptions, and breakfast, lunch, dinner.
…you’ve “brown bagged it” to an elegant dinner
…a 7 course meal is a 1 course meal for you -Lettuce.
…you’ve installed bookcases in your bathroom.
…you’ve driven more than 40 miles to buy a cookie.
…it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
…you hold your breath through the bakery section.
…you feel like you need a loan to pay the grocery bill.
…your bread weighs more than a moon rock and just happens to resemble one as well.
…you’ve disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.
…you’ve brought a suitcase full of food with you on an over night trip
…your family thinks you’re crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn’t hurt right?
…you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
…you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and lettuce roll-ups
…having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
…you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named “Sprue”
…you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
…you’ve mastered saying “I actually enjoy MY food” (without your face twitching)
… you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they don't eat them.
…you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
…you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of gluten-free beer.
…you cried when you saw your usually careful significant other or family member brushing the crumbs off their hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
…you hear of a new health food store opening in a city close by and get ridiculously excited only to drive there, spend 2 hours walking around, reading labels, only to leave empty handed
…you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you, and actually consult the bartender before you order a drink.
…it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
…people roll their eyes at you when you say “no thank you” to someone’s gluten filled dessert
…..your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake , but you plead with them not to, because although you’re trying to seem like you don’t want to put them through the hassle, you’re secretly terrified of cross contamination.
…your ‘favorites’ sites are mostly celiac sites
…you’ve mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you’re hungry.
…you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free -you dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
…you long to look at the contents of other people’s fridges and pantries just to see if you can eat anything
Labels: celiac, humor, mommy's life